Life's Scars

We all experience life and it's brutal scars, whether its from childhood, adolescence, or into adulthood.  We can be traumatized by relationships, fallen dreams, or abandonment and left wondering how to grieve these unfortunate circumstances.  Life is for living, but how are we supposed to live through disappointment or situations that we thought we would never survive?  Come with me and two of my best friends on planet earth to explore some of life's most traumatizing scars, and how we navigate our healing process.  Buckle up, because we are definitely going to take you on a ride through our exploration!  Please, take what you need. Xoxoxoxoxoxo.

Blessings,
ThaPrettyRebel 

With Peace & Love,
ThaPrettyRebel

Transcript

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welcome back to crown coach of the podcast if this is your first time joining us. Thank you so much Welcome to the family the crown family. We're super excited to have you Today we're going to dive into some amazing things.,if you are returning, we welcome you back. You know how we get down here at the Crown Family. So today I actually get to do this wonderful episode with my two best friends. We've got Jordan, we've got Sydney, my favorite, favorite best friends. I mean, gosh, they literally help me through everything. I mean, they know because they always answer the phone when I call. Today we dive into life scars and, you know, the truth about trauma, grief, and healing undressed. And I just am so thankful for them because I did not want to do this episode by myself. Happy to dive into some things like grief, trauma, some of the things that plague us in everyday life, and how we carry that weight, how we navigate that weight, and maybe what are some tips in... What Sidney does, what Jordan does to lift the heavy burdens of life. So I guess we can start with some questions that I always pose to myself like because sometimes trauma changes people and you know one minute you can go through life and Honestly things can be sunny outside and the next thing you know, here comes the rain so what are some things that you do as an individual? Some things that maybe you don't like, that when things trigger you, you, maybe you get angry, you turn into a ball of fury. That probably might be me. Lord's still working on me. But also, what are some things that you're doing, through grief? Because some people think healing is a linear process, right? Like, once you get over the hump of grief, they think that you're supposed to just be like, Okay, I'm, I'm healed. Everything is fine. You know, but that's really not the case. So let's really dive into the meat of trauma Grief and how to kind of bring that back full circle into our healing process. So welcome ladies I'm super super happy to have y'all So I guess I can start with some information about trauma Because I feel like we don't really know too much what trauma entails. Right? Like, we know things are traumatic. Whether that be when we're growing up with childhood wounds, So, we will start with some facts because I think these topics are so heavy that I feel like a little education goes a long way. From the American Psychological Association I was able to do a little research and they define trauma as an emotional response, to a terrible event, like an accident, a sexual assault, a natural disaster. In other words, you can have unpredictable emotions, you can have flashbacks, shock, denial, while there are also different variations of long term responses. You can have acute trauma, which is more so like results of a single incident. You can suffer from chronic trauma, which is a series of traumatic events,, and kind of one piling on top of each other. You can have complex trauma, where you can have a whole bunch of different traumatic events hitting you from all different angles, and maybe you don't really know how to handle it. So, ladies, we've lived a lot of life in here. We're not old, though. We've lived a lot of life, you know, we've lived a lot of life and I don't know whoever wants to take a stab at this first, but I guess how, first, what traumatized you? If you feel comfortable, as comfortable, as vulnerable you feel or as guarded as you feel, this is a safe space, of course. So, what traumatized you and looking in retrospect. What effect did that have on you? I feel like yours is more recent, Jordan. I was going to say, do I need, do I, like, am I compelled to go first? I'll just go first. What are we, 2023? About three years ago, I was in an abusive relationship, mentally and emotionally, and it started turning physical more toward the end. With someone who I personally believe has like, undiagnosed narcissistic behavior disorder., if that's the proper term. But, an undiagnosed narcissist, really. And that was, looking back on it, like, even the year later, scary, like, super scary. To think about all of the situations that I was in and like, how I was starting to have chronic pains and constant headaches, I would wake up with this raging stomachache every morning, like, it was my anxiety was on ten, like, all the time. Yeah. I had insomnia really, really bad and a whole bunch of stuff. It was, it has been a lot to recover from. I feel like now, being in a new relationship finally with another person, I'm working through more than just what I thought I healed with myself. Like they tell you to do, like with myself and by myself, it's a lot. Harder when you have to put things into practice and I noticed that I'm just scared. I'm scared of a lot of things because the person that, did these things to me prior to this relationship. I never thought would do something like that. Never thought would do any of those things. Like I had a weapon pulled out on me and like in the moment I wasn't thinking about it. I was just really chest to chest. In a situation, but sitting down, I trembled thinking about the fact that really could've been super bad. Super unsafe, just the situation itself was like, crazy to think about. Kinda like I wasn't living my life actually, like I was just going through it, and I was watching myself, like, in a movie. Yeah. So there's really some times where I feel really down about it. I hate the things that I decided to endure. But I've decided to go back to therapy, and taking small baby steps to get through it. But I know it's something that's gonna sit with me for a while because it was something that was like love to pure pain. And I didn't ever feel like I would be broke down that hard by something that seemed like very simple at first. I'm sorry. But we good. We Gucci. It just, it's not linear for me, for anyone, but definitely not for me. So ebbs and flows, ups and downs, you know, you come back home to yourself intentionally every day, which I'm still working on that. That's fair. It doesn't have to be so overwhelming to do it just when you realize you're not in a safe space. So that's what I've been trying to practice through it. But that is my big trauma point that range from about, I'm 26 now, so 22 to 24. That was it, and I wouldn't have gotten out of it if it wasn't for another friend. So, yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, that, honestly, that abuse, component is really hard to come back from. And so I'm glad that you're... Looking to find your way back home to yourself, and I love the way that you said that about how it's hard. Because I think people underestimate how truly hard it is. But, I'm glad that you, you are. I honestly think for me, God is like, when you talk too much about something you don't know nothing about, I'ma show you better than I can tell you. And I think that I spoke too much in the past about how I didn't understand specifically. Domestic violence cases where it didn't seem like there was like actual harm physically being done. And I'm like, so why don't you just up and out that? I remember saying that to myself. And then he was like, okay. And I was in that situation and it was like two of me, one of me watching myself do this and say, why are you not just getting up and out? And the other part being like, I'm frozen. Like I'm scared. I'm taken over by the situation and it was just very like, I'm gonna shut my mouth when I don't know things. And now I understand and not that there was ever disrespect given to those in domestic violence situations, but uh, most respect for people who can get themselves out, who can have. family or loved ones help them get out of the situation and like they can still feel like they push through because sometimes it's hard and it's scary to think like that's coming back to me. Yeah. People always say oh that can never be me until they're put in that situation. So like you said people don't know until like it happens to them. And they're shocked like why really is it can be by some you can literally I used to always say to People are like I don't understand my son would never hurt anybody just per example Because that's who they know them as the person I was in love with I didn't know them to be That way at all, so I would never fathom that. I would never fathom either one of you doing anything else But that's what that feels like. It's like someone you would never think. We're not just saying that people bring out different sides of people. She didn't literally just say that. And so it's hard to wrap your head around this is what's going on in this situation But yes it is. And don't deny your gut feelings at all. No, definitely don't deny your gut feelings. What do you feel about that? You know about that. My intuition would be spot on. It ain't pink, it is a red flag. So, yeah. And I don't play about that. Once the Holy Spirit give it to me, No. Ms. Smith. Yes. Tell us a little bit about your traumatic experience. The one that obviously is so fresh. I just had a son. His name is Nasir. He'll be 7 months next week. Yes. Yes, my godson. The whole birthing experience, let me just say, people don't talk about, what really happens and, like, what really takes place. People on Instagram, they always post, like, the good stuff or, the during, but, not, like, what actually happens. or what could happen. My, looking back on my experience or just thinking about it, like to me it feels like a blur but I know that it was like a long process. The traumatic aspect was just the unexpected c section. Came in there, just being monitored for my blood pressure to end up having my son that night. Yeah. I don't know. It's just, I don't really like thinking back on it. I was just in shock. Once they told me that I was having a c section, got the epidural. I just don't even really remember anything. Yeah. And I think that's the traumatic part for me. The one thing that I remember is them pulling him out of my stomach and then hearing him cry. And then they just whisk him away and I get to hear him cry from across the room, but you're still strapped to the table, right? So you can't even really hold your child. You just lay, I'm just laying there, arms stretched out. Yeah. And then you're just waiting to be sewed back up and you get to like you, you feel it, but you don't feel any pain. So you feel like. The organs being moved around and then like touching your stomach, it's just a very overall traumatic experience. And then just going through that, having all the health issues that I had., I'll be transparent, I did have high blood pressure and all of that. So I was on medication, even leaving the hospital. Just overall, I just think that, Women need to be a little more gracious with themselves. And I think that's a part of my healing. I'm giving myself a lot of grace. And that's one thing that I'm really trying to work on. my fiance, he does a really, really good job of reiterating that to me. And I think that's also important having utilize your village. Utilize your village. You heard it here first. Utilize your village. Being postpartum, that's one of the biggest things that I'm having to teach myself is using my people. So life scars, but your people are showing up for you. They are. I just, for me personally, we had this conversation, I just need to speak up and be vocal about what I need. I keep things close to me. You know that about me. I do. So she has to force me to, to tell her stuff. She'll ask me a million times if I'm okay. And it's like pulling teeth. Yeah. But I love her because I do realize sometimes that what trauma can do is it can back you into a corner. It can put you into a box and where you're, you feel small. You feel like If I say something, then this is going to end up worse for me, or whatever you think the outcome is that's not in your favor, and, you know, learning, like, you're like, everybody's like, no, I want to help you, and you're like, oh my gosh, you really, touched on something about how you were growing, going through the trauma, but you didn't really feel it, and so I'm just like, I want to really dive into that because Sometimes when we're going through traumatic experiences, we can just float and it can just float us into grief and grieving, but we don't always end up grieving the way we need to. And so trauma and grief are tied together because when you experience trauma, you have to grieve, whether you're a quick griever, whether you're someone who's an inhibitor, you suppress it, you push it down. You're someone who, maybe you're a delayed griever, right? Like, you know, when you lose people, and sometimes the demand of burying someone whom you love, or, you know, someone who's now gone from your life, you're into this mode of grieving, you're into this mode of action, you're into this mode of, I have to get this done, and you end up delaying. Your grief and so then it doesn't hit you until after the fact so I Guess how did you grieve these experiences that help hold so much weight? I didn't really grieve My birthing experience until I set and I wrote it all down I wrote my entire birthing experience from beginning to end and that was my first step and really kind of like Healing and feeling like, okay, this happened to me. How do I heal from that? How do I move forward? My son is here. He's healthy. That's just what I had to have to think about. And I would do it 10 times over just to have him here and healthy. So yeah, that was my first step writing it all out. And I think from there, just kind of taking things day by day. Has really helped me. Every day looks different and I just had to come to terms with that because you know, us as athletes, we're a Structured person, like structured people, like we have to be on a schedule and I think that also plays a role in my Anxiety and my postpartum depression because every day looks different for me and that's just not what I'm used to. So that's again a part of my heart, excuse me, healing and relearning I love that. I love that for her, y'all. This is my girl. We gon get it right. We might not gon get it right. I was cheering up over here, so that's why I keep putting my, because like I, I honestly want to first like Jordan, always applaud you for the fact that you went through that, I'm trying not to get upset now, I'm the crier, but you know, you deserve the grace and The empowerment that, like you really did that and, you put your life on the line for another life and both of y'all are still here, so I love that so much. And the cutest, the cutest thing in the world. Anyways. They are both criers for, yeah. For me, honestly, I had to tap into things that I love. So, because the relationship That was in Made Me Hate Myself, essentially. I, had to find the things that I liked again, or tried to revert back to, old things that I liked to do. I was just talking about it yesterday, tapped into a show, one, so that I didn't just... Catastrophize everything that was going on in the time that I was alone. But golden girls, I get chills in my bones when I hear thank you for being a friend. Like seriously, I love that show. I tapped into a TV show. I tapped into the things that I liked, which I'm all about, interior design and art and stuff like that. So I honestly silently pledged to myself that every four to six weeks I'd change my apartment around, my room around to just look different, feel different to me so that I could feel like I was in a different space mentally as I was progressing through this, this portion of healing that I had to get through. So I relied on that, definitely good laughs, because it's not a linear thing, there are things I feel like I fall back on, that I try to cover my feelings with, but when I realize that's what I'm doing, I try to dig it back up, because the only way out of it is through it, so, I gotta let the stuff pass through me, I don't have to hold on to it, but I can let it pass through me, Flow as it go, wherever it go. I just tapped into the things that I really love. I put my head to the things that I wanted to do. I started doing the art that I always dreamed about doing. And so I've kept that really close to my heart. And it's hard for me to include everybody else into that cause I went into a little shell for it, but. When I'm ready,, I'll share a bunch of, the loves that I've come back to with myself, with everybody. But, there was a lot of coming home to myself, or trying to teach myself, it does not have to be hard. So, Me Time, Golden Girls, and rearranging my room. If that's what's gonna keep you good, then that's what you do. And I think, I've been sitting here thinking about,, traumatic experiences that have, totally shaped me or altered, I think, my trajectory or even the wiring of my brain. And, I think the biggest one that I think of is my college basketball experience. That really altered, me as a person. I was a high school standout, you know, top 60, in the country, coming out like thinking I'm the heat, I'm playing against the Asia Wilsons of the world, you know what I mean? Like, I'm, I'm, I'm coming into this experience and I just had a black woman as a head coach. I'm thinking this is the ideal situation. And I think what they don't tell you is what I found out. Is that you can have someone tell you one thing and when you get there, they're completely the opposite person. It was imposter syndrome times 10, 000. And every single day it was a fight. She knows. A mental fight. A mental fight every day. We not even talking about the physical, the practice and everything else. The mental aspect. The mental. And it was always me. If you ever played on a team who had a player whose name got called the most, it was me. That was me. I was always the, the player on the team. I wouldn't even be in the play and it'd be like, no, not you, Alex Brasha. And then you sitting over there cracking up because it always was me, but it wasn't me. And so I had this woman who told my parents she would take care of me, who told my parents she would make sure that I grew. As, as a woman, as someone who was gonna be a productive member and to going into society and when I got there Like when I was there like in it like she didn't do none of that when I tell you it was almost like she woke up every day like how I'm gonna make Bridget's life a uphill battle impossible for her to make it through. I'm just gonna mess up her day And even though she might not have woke up and said that, it seemed like that's what she did. Every practice, but I was always the person who brought players in. I was always the player who got players to recruit. I was always the mouthpiece. I kept the grades up on the team, I was the team captain, I was like an octopus and I did everything. But she consistently made me feel like I was not worthy. She consistently made me feel like I was not worth nothing. I had one of the coaches tell me that I was a waste of a scholarship. That someone else who was less fortunate because my parents were rich, they weren't, they just sacrificed. But I was told that I didn't deserve that spot. So I'm like, Oh, so how I get it then. But still it was the consistent reminder that I wasn't equipped to be there. And I trusted God in those moments because I knew that he wouldn't put me in a place that he wasn't going to bring me through. But. It was really probably one of the most challenging things because as a black woman, I was thinking I was going to get a mentor. I was thinking I was going to get someone who was maybe like an extension of my mom, but not my mom. And I didn't get that. I was constantly ridiculed. So for me, the way it showed up for me as an adult is that like, like my friends talk about how ambitious I am. How, like, I don't let nothing fall through the cracks, I don't have no room for error. I go after everything so wholeheartedly, and I'm always there for my people because of this experience. I don't ever want nobody to ever feel like that. I'm pretty sure I'm praying that she's out of a job. Because you have that much impact on a black woman's mind, and you chose to use it for evil and not for good. I won't reveal her name. You can look up our stuff though. But still like that level of trust that I had in her as a high schooler going into college to experience. I don't know what, I don't, I don't know what it was. I can't put my finger on it because I don't operate like that. But I can let you know that it really messed me up and it took me a long time to recover. So how I've navigated instances like that, I think you could look at relationships that sometimes it takes a long time for you to cut off, even if you're not being abused physically, but it can take a while. I personally, people are like, why you didn't transfer? Why you didn't do this? You had these options, but that wasn't the culture back then. It wasn't, it was like the only, like you said, only way is through. And so that's how I figured it out. That's why I persevere so much. Now. That's why I am so ambitious. That's why I leave no room for error. That's why I am so intentional because I have that constant reminder in my mind that I'm going to prove my worth to myself and to God. Because that's all I answer to. But it really, really hurt me like I'm 27 and it really hurt me. I'm still talking about it to this day. So, and she know. More than anybody, cause she was and she was right there, you know, so, I think when we talk about grieving, it can also be the abrupt stop of, life as you knew, with a friend, they don't have to pass away, they could just not do right by you, and now you have to basically protect yourself and cut them off. There's a lot of aspects, there's a lot of components, there's a lot of, Different, variations of what we experience. I would say that I'm a bit more healed from that experience now. I'm trying not to be so rigid. I hope I'm doing good, better. It's all about how you grieve. I'm a drill sergeant still though. So how are you? How have you let yourself grieve through that? Any opportunity I get, I don't miss. It could be the smallest opportunity. It could be just having a conversation with somebody. I just don't miss opportunities. Cause I feel like that was a missed opportunity. I feel like, even though it was no way I could alter the outcome, I just feel like it was a missed opportunity. I feel like I had the potential for it to be so much better than it wasn't. And it was missed. So I just don't miss opportunities. I seize every opportunity. I wouldn't say it's how I grieve, but I think grieving it is just accepting it fully for what it was. Not being bitter, not being, trying to talk about it or nothing. That was the best she knew how to do with what she had. It wasn't that good, but that was the best, you know, what she had to do. And I feel like that's how I grew that understanding that people are where they are. You can't move them. You can't, that's where they're going to be. So to them coaches that have said, I ain't never going to be, nah, I just did better. Now look at me. Exactly. Period. Now look at you. Now look at you. My grief is also sprinkled with a little lot of bitter crying. I love a good cry. A little bit of crying? Girl, I cry almost every other day. Well, yeah. I think I still do that, too, especially when it rains. I kind of give myself a pat on the back when I do that, because it's like... A cleansing of the outside world, you know, when you're thinking about it in the spiritual aspect and like a cleansing of yourself, like you're releasing all of that. Everybody need a good cry on here. I'm one. A good hard cry. She, you're not. You're not. You're not a cryer, so you wouldn't understand. So, we can't wait until you get that, that time. It does come over me. It comes over me. It's just not often. It's just not often. It's like once a quarter. That's the part of coming home to yourself that I be talking about. I feel like it doesn't have to be so harsh though. Oh no, I be at home. I just, I gotta write it out. But I will not, I don't, I don't cry. It has to really, now I'll feel the chillings like over my body. I feel it in different ways, but like I'm not a crybaby. Just to let it flow the moment you're like, I think, I think right now I need one. That to me is like, I have to come home to myself, but it's not, I'm not waiting until I have to burst or have an explosion of tears. That is me. That is me. I'm the let things happen until they boil over. Ooh, it makes me want to go into a golfing hole. Not I. It's not me. I literally will get off the phone with anybody, I'm pretty sure I've done it with y'all, and say like, I think I feel like I need to cry right now. I've definitely said it to a lot of people, like, I think I need to go cry and I do and I come back. I give it a little more time because I feel like people are like 15 minutes later when it is over, people are like, you're, you're good and I'm like, yeah, it just had to get it out. It wasn't like a harsh moment that's going to take all day, but I let it take a little longer so that people don't feel weird about it and feel like, you know, yeah, that's what I'm saying. I will. Um, Um, when it takes over me, it is like, uh, I want to feel that. So like, I don't, like you said, I just let it kind of, yeah, yours, yours is like a whole day. Like you take a whole day to like, yeah. I might lick my wounds. I might let it get, it won't keep me down. It might get me down, but it will not keep me down. I gotta cry first so I can take action. Cry first, action after. Do you know what? You also can grieve or be traumatized by the lack of achieving a dream. You know, I've had the dream to go to law school for a long time. It has not transpired in my deck of cards. It will. It's coming up, by the way. Just wait on it. but, yeah, people seek, set out to achieve dreams all the time. And when it doesn't go the way, they envision their dream, or it just doesn't go well all together, I think people, that's a hard time. You have a hard time navigating that. Because what am I supposed to do now? I remember distinctly laying on my floor in my bedroom, not getting into law school, the last letter that I read, and I did have my cry. That, that one put me down. That one put me down. Like, in a ball. Like, what am I supposed to do now? Because this was my last resort. This was supposed to work. This was supposed to be my plan. God, you see this. Why you letting this happen? You said it was supposed to work! And I think that that teaches us, too, that God is not absent in the midst of trauma and grief. Because I think sometimes people are like, where's your God now? Like, your car done got wrecked, your man done left you, you got all this stuff. And I think people are like, he's not around. But it's like, no, he's actually sitting right next to you. Take a cab, cry, pray about it, take action, and bust through it. Take you a cab. Get out the door and take you a cab. And it's riding through. This is literally why we don't be productive. Yes. That was productive to me. A mnemonic device for grief. You gotta take a cab, the only way out is through. So you get in that cab, you ride under that bridge of grief. You cry and pray about it first. You take action. Then you bust through. Then you bust through. I will say her acronym do be outrageous, but they don't be wrong. They be spot on. They be accurate. And you got me. Right. That's what she called. That's what did I say? I don't know. I said that. Yeah. Maybe I said a taxi. Well, I just want to say that I'm proud of you for working through that because hindsight 2020, when you think about it, she did exactly like what you wanted her to do. She made you who you are and who you're supposed to be, who God wanted you to be. And I couldn't see you being any other way. So you had to go through that. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but for you to be as successful as you are, as brilliant as you are. I think that you were made to go through that, and I don't think anybody else could have handled it like you did, but you did, so I'm proud of you for that. Thanks for the I'm proud of you as well. Thank you. I guess We've talked about how to navigate. Even gave them an acronym to roll with. We are learning. We are learning. It's in the playbook now. And so I think now I'm going to talk a little bit about the storm. And I think you can pick up what pieces you need, but I have told both of them actually what happened as I was, as I was doing this. So, I was coming back from Philly, getting my hair braided by Shania. Run, not walk, to my girl. Shout out to her. I love her. That's my sis. Getting my hair done by her. I was coming home and I had my sunroof open. I mean, I'm driving down the I 95. I'm having me a blast, y'all. Like, Stopped to get me a little something to drink. I mean, I'm just taking my good old time, baby. I'm on the highway. It was so sunny, y'all. I'm like, It's a great day. I mean, I'm just airy. And, all of a sudden, I see And then it goes from like gray to like, like, you know, like charcoal gray. And I'm like, Hmm. Then it like turns black. And I'm like, That don't look... It's still like really early. So, that's when I noticed it was a storm coming. And, if you know, if you've ever driven between Philly and, and, D. C. You know, there's this... Haffordy Grace, is that how you pronounce it? I've never pronounced it correctly, but... What is it? The Haffordy Grace Bridge, like that bridge that's like... Oh, I don't even know which one that was. Like bel air to like, you know what I'm talking about? Oh, it's not. It's really tall You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about we used to travel literally when we play Drexel Oh, like when we were going, I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah, it's that really tall bridge and you know when you're up there. You, yeah. Yeah, and so next thing you know, I'm getting, I get on the bridge and as soon as my wheels hit the metal part to get on the bridge, all you feel is wind whips, like 30 mile wind gusts. I'm like let me close my sunroof cause that was gonna be bad. But, next thing you know, these wind gusts, then the rain, so I'm like, oh god, like, and you can't see. And so, I know it was serious when this 18 wheeler starts, his tail starts whippin so we're still driving, which I'm trying to figure out, how can I see, how can I see in the mist? So, I immediately, if you're from the country, you literally know, when it starts storming, the Lord is doing his work. You cut off your what? Lights. Take that. And your radio. Everything. You know what I'm saying? In the dark. That's what it is. Silence. Silence. Your mouth can't even move. Not at all. You better not breathe heavy. Don't even ask God what he's doing. Just let him do. Right? So, I'm driving and I'm like, you know, Please like I'm looking over the wheel so it just keeps it's raining hard. It's raining hard We're barely making at this point people putting their hazards on people pulling off to the side So we get I get over the bridge and i'm praying I'm praying some more but then I see lightning And at this point i'm scared because I didn't realize it was so many trees over there. So i'm still driving All right, so I say to myself I see two lightning bolts that are just two holes for comfort I'm, like this car in front of me pulls over i'm gonna pull off to the side So I pull off to the side because the car in front of me pulls off at this rest stop. So I'm like, okay, I'm sitting there talking to Jesus, like I have so far to go, but I'm still stuck in the middle of the storm. So I'm like, do I sit here and wait on the rest of the storm or do the only way is through? So I'm like, let me wait. So I wait for the first rain gust to go. And I'm like, maybe I'll go. I see all these people take off. I'm like, you know, I'm gonna wait. So then here comes the second one. I mean the both got even more potent got even more just strong. I'm like, okay, let me let me just keep sitting here. Finally. I decide to get back on the road Let me go. So I'm driving and I at that point called my mom to let her know. Hey, it's a bad thunderstorm I just really need you to pray for me. So My mom is like really high strong. Y'all know that. So I'mma just call you back and I'll concentrate And so I'm watching the storm just rage, rage, rage, people getting scared, people this. So I say to myself, I'm looking, didn't realize there were this many power lines. I'm like, Oh God, please like, you don't strike one of these power lines. So I'm driving and not even two minutes later, strike! The lightning bolt, strikes the power line. It severs and it sizzles, falls down on the interstate in my lane. There's an 18 wheeler in the far right lane. I'm like, Oh, please. So I'm like, let me call my mom back. So I call my mom back and my dad gets on the phone. And this time my mom had told him and he had looked up the storm. So now he starts giving me provision through the storm. He's telling me the storm is coming at this direction. If you decide to pull over again and wait, you're going to deal with this, this, this, this, this. And so I'm like, oh, I'm making these split decisions. I'm trying to decide, I'm praying so I hang up again. I'm like, you know what, it's just me and God because I felt like in that moment, it was me and God could save me from, it wasn't nothing that my dad could save me from. It wasn't nothing but me and him. So I had to lean on him and trust that he had just given me what I needed to continue to go. So it's getting bad. It's still bad. It's still going. So I keep driving. I just pray and I say, God, please just make a way for me. So I just keep driving. And as I continued to drive, the rain slowed down. The rain kind of just, it didn't taper off, it still was raining, but I could still see these lightning bolts. And you know that, that allowed me, as I just kept driving, kept praying, kept talking to him, it allowed me to drive past the storm. Like the storm ended up on the left side of me and I just continued to drive. So I'm like, oh, thank you God. You know, I'm happy, I'm like, I'm trying to make sure I'm not driving through no sand and water, I get to BWI Parkway, and it's dead stop. And it had slow, like, the delay of that storm had delayed me because literally there was a fresh wreck of two cars that had literally had a terrible collision. So the delay from the other storm and the provision from my father allowed me to literally be halted before this wreck. And so I took that as like a microcosm of when you're in the midst of a storm, when you're going through, you just have to literally sit and lean on God, it might not seem like things are working. He might be over off in the midst, but he will allow you to watch storms happen around you and you still be covered and protected. So that's like trauma. That's like grief. That feels like the life storms where it can be sunny one day and in a split second it changes. And now it's raining, and it don't feel like it's gonna stop. I didn't know when that rain was gonna let up. I didn't know if that power cord was gonna strike my car, and I was gonna be in trouble. But I just continued to just pray that God made a way. When people were stopping, pulling off on the side, doing all everything else, I just kept my eyes straight and focused on where it was. My objective destination was home back to myself. So, if we can leave y'all with that, full circle. Full circle. You've had a great day with us. I did not remember to pray at the beginning, so we will take the time to bow our heads and close our eyes. Dear Father God, thank you for today. Thank you for what an amazing blessing that you have placed down on the inside of these beautiful women. Thank you for Sydney. Thank you for Georgia. Thank you for Reagan. Thank you for the ability to move omnipotent presence is always, always on time. So we pray that everyone listening receives this in the way that they are able to receive and they really absorb this wholeheartedly. So we thank you for your mercy and your tender blessings and everything in between. Jesus name we pray. Amen. That's a wrap.